As Stephen Harper prepares to address the nation via YouTube, here are some tips on how to answer pesky questions about marijuana.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper has thrown down a challenge to millions of computer savvy Canadians, inviting their questions through the medium of YouTube. And Canadians have complied, throwing a horde of complaints, quizzes, and diatribes at the prime minister on topics ranging from climate change to prorogation. Perhaps surprisingly, the most common subject is the government’s approach to the control of marijuana.

We’ll hear from the prime minister later today, but I thought it might be helpful to provide him with a little advice before he puts his fingers on the keyboard. Here are two of the more popular questions, and my suggested responses.

Mr. Harper. Why aren’t we keeping marijuana away from children by controlling it as we control alcohol and tobacco? Why are we encouraging gangs and crime by making marijuana so profitable? Why are you ignoring how ineffectual the current policy is?

Anna, from Ottawa

Dear Anna:

My government wants very much to keep marijuana out of the hands of children. You may know that I told reporters last year that we “have to do something about the drug crisis in this country” and that, since the Liberals started talking about decriminalizing marijuana, “we have seen a rapid expansion of the drug trade.”

Now, I know that people who conduct surveys will tell you that most forms of drug use have actually been declining, with the exception of cannabis, and that, in any event, cannabis is a much less dangerous drug than tobacco or alcohol. And I know that, despite what I said, there isn’t any good evidence that ties the expansion of the illicit trade in cannabis to Liberal pronouncements regarding the possibility of decriminalization.

But I do think that we’re all entitled to our own opinions, irrespective of credible science. Take Stockwell Day, for example. He believes that the earth was created by God in seven days. And if he wants to believe that, we should all respect his right to do so.

Your second question about profitability misses the point that gangs and crime would exist even if we took marijuana off the table. There are plenty of other opportunities for organized criminal activity. Yes, it’s true that prohibition of cannabis can put profits in the hands of young thugs, but I’m quite sure that there are also plenty of very decent people who are making money from the trade in cannabis.

Your third question regarding the “ineffectual” nature of the current policy unfortunately misses the mark again. Our polling has told us that getting tough on people who cultivate marijuana is winning us votes. And I don’t think that policies that win governments votes are ineffectual. If you’re suggesting that our policies regarding cannabis are not consistent with our policies regarding more problematic drugs like alcohol or tobacco, you might be right. But please be aware that our policies are not “ineffectual” – they simply play well with an increasingly large number of poorly informed and somewhat fearful Canadians. And like Stockwell, these folks have just as much right to their opinions as you do.

Why do you keep lying about the dangers of cannabis and giving countless millions of dollars to police to enforce the worst laws in Canada? Why do you ignore the majority of adults who want this plant legalized?

Greg, from Vancouver

Dear Greg:

Last year, I told reporters in British Columbia that a criminal record for possession of marijuana was an appropriate response from government – that we have to “send a message.” I also noted that people who become addicted to harder drugs almost always say they started with marijuana.

Now, I know that experimentation with alcohol and tobacco predates cannabis use, and so it would be more correct to describe these as gateway drugs than to describe cannabis as such. But I didn’t lie. Most of the people who are currently using heroin and cocaine did use marijuana at one point. I will concede that it’s not a very useful statement – that there’s no compelling pharmacological or sociological evidence that marijuana use predisposes those who experiment with the drug to move on to cocaine or heroin. In fact, better evidence of gateway effects exist for our longstanding drugs of choice, alcohol and tobacco. But I wasn’t lying, and it’s not very nice to accuse your prime minister of doing so.

I must also inform you that our marijuana laws are not, in fact, the worst laws in Canada. Take a look at section 365 of the Criminal Code; it criminalizes “any kind of witchcraft, sorcery, enchantment, or conjuration,” along with the telling of fortunes. That’s even sillier than our marijuana laws, don’t you think?

Your claim that “the majority of adults want this plant legalized” misunderstands the Canadian parliamentary system. I lead the Conservative party – and the country – with the support of a minority of Canadians. And yet I can govern as if I have a majority. I have no legal mandate to listen to the majority, particularly if most of them don’t vote for my party.

Finally, I do want to raise a response to a related criticism – that my singing of the Beatles lyric, “I get high with a little help from my friends” is a hypocritical act. Let me assure you that when I sing that song, I am not thinking of smoking marijuana with Stockwell Day, or Jason Kenney, or even Rahim Jaffer. I sing in metaphor, thinking of the pleasure that comes from drinking a nice glass of white wine – a perfectly legal and enjoyable alteration of my consciousness.

Stephen Harper, your prime minister.