Minimalist Waitressing

So many waitresses today serve restaurant patrons using the fewest words possible.

A few weeks ago, my parents, spouse, and I went out for dinner at what we all think of as a nice place to eat. Not inexpensive, busy, reasonable food.

Not to put too fine a point on it, we are not young. I am in my late fifties and my wife is somewhat younger. My father is 90 and my mother is 87.

When we entered the restaurant, we were told that Amy would be our waitress. She smiled at us and walked briskly towards our table, motioning us onward. Half-turning before we got to our table , she barked in a husky alto:

"So you guys are hungry?"

Smiling broadly as we sat down, she looked us over and queried:

"So you guys are thirsty?"

This was the cue for drink orders and we ordered a bottle of a middling Pinot Grigio. She left and returned with the wine.

Without saying another word she poured us all a glass and set the bottle down on the table. She now looked businesslike and intoned seriously with the mandatory “uptalk uptick” of the voice at the end of the question:

"So you guys are ready?"

We ordered the food – pastas and meat dishes, some seafood – the usual fare. It was delivered by a different person who said nothing at all. Amy returned about three minutes later and asked:

"So you guys are OK?"

We assured her that we were indeed “OK” and started eating again.

Five minutes later, another, more serious-looking young woman approached our table, surveyed the food and our progress, and almost yelled:

"So you guys are good?”

Once again, assurances were provided.

When we were clearly finished the meal, Amy returned with a big smile and asked:

"So you guys are done?"

We were in fact “done” and she returned with dessert and coffee menus. After waiting a few patient moments, she again asked:

"So you guys are ready?"

As we were ready, we ordered dessert and coffee, which was delivered with a big smile and a question:

"So you guys are full?"

We agreed that we were indeed full.

She returned with the bill and I placed the credit card on the bill holder without comment. Amy returned with four candies and the credit card slip and asked:

"So you guys are OK?"

We said that we were and left the restaurant.

We had just experienced a watershed moment in minimalist waitressing. Amy and her colleague had managed to serve us with just nine questions that all began with the same four words.

I considered how I felt about it.

The first feeling was a wonderful sense of equality. Everyone was equal. Everyone was "you guys." There is something nice about that. It did not matter that my father and mother are older. It did not matter how we were dressed, our gender, our demeanour, or anything else. We were all “you guys.”

Curiously, there is a rather broad range of restaurants, from chains to roadhouses, specialty to ethnic, expensive to cheap, where young waitresses refer to all their customers as "you guys." I have now started involuntarily counting my experiences of being referred to as such. There are many.

This must be very useful for young women learning English as a second language and in need of work. Imagine – you can learn just eleven words and wait a table like a veteran. Since the same four words begin each and every sentence, all of which are questions, anybody can master them in an hour or so. A couple of rounds of practice and, regardless of your fluency in English, you’ve got it.

But pity the young men who have become waiters and the traditions they must observe. Almost none of them say "So you guys are....?" They say things like "Hello" and “How are you tonight?” and "May I take your order?" and make gender distinctions like "What would you like sir (or ma'am)?”

Perhaps it's another gender gap.

"So you guys are wondering about that, right?"