The Trumpeter Swan

The Canada goose was named by a Swede, Carl Linnaeus, in the 18th century. One suspects it was an act of revenge or spite, although he never travelled to Canada. But it is likely that he encountered the white-cheeked goose in his travels in Sweden, Lapland, and northern Europe, and that that the bird annoyed him thoroughly. Presumably, he thought by giving it a foreign name, he might confuse it into leaving his place of domicile, never, ever to return.

No such luck, he likely discovered.

Now, some misguided Canadians think this foul beast of the air should become our national bird, all because of some misnomer.

How foul the beast?

The Canada goose eats green shoots virtually continuously, causing it to defecate every six minutes. A springtime walk along the shore of a lake or stream can quickly turn into treacherous slipping and sliding on the slimy droppings. The bird likes to mount boat docks for brief periods, say fifteen minutes, leaving two or three deposits as an obstacle course for boaters.

When the Canada goose is not defecating, it is honking. When not honking, it is screeching or gurgling. It prefers to make noise most actively at first light in the springtime, around 5:30 am. This is something that is hard to miss, drowning out jet engines and any punk rock bands still playing at that hour.

Much of this noise comes while pairs of Canada geese are competing for nesting sites, chasing each other off the choicest real estate, which is usually near a bedroom window. This only goes on for about eight weeks, but it feels like eight months.

The Canada goose reproduces grandly, each couple hatching about seven goslings, which they protect fiercely. Urban parks become war zones, as surprisingly quick adult geese run, heads lowered and teeth bared, at infants and toddlers. Park wardens regularly try new techniques to chase off Canada geese, from dogs to mechanical devices, chemicals to irritating soft-rock sound loops.

None of them work because of another feature of the Canada goose – its incredibly tiny brain. Look at the size of that head. As a renowned neurologist once told a parent concerned about his child’s large head, “We have a saying in neurology: small head, small brain; big head, big head.” The Canada goose has a very small brain, which means that all the lessons aimed at keeping them away never take.

The Canada goose is migratory, spending most of its winter in the south, and most of its summer in the far north. It is only for a few loud and dirty months in the spring and fall that they are in the populated parts of Canada, defecating every six minutes. It barely lives amongst us.

The only effective combatant of the Canada goose, apparently, is the magnificent trumpeter swan. It is the biggest bird native to North America, and is gloriously white and graceful. The trumpeter swan grabs the neck of the Canada goose and holds its head underwater until it drowns. The Canada goose, offering a lot of neck to work with, doesn’t stand a chance.

I would nominate the trumpeter swan as Canada’s national bird.