The Mark 2010

How about Chad Kroeger? Or Celine Dion? The Mark speculates on which Canadian singer might pull a Wyclef Jean.

With ex-Fugee Wyclef Jean pondering a run for the Haitian presidency, The Mark got to thinking about Canadian musicians who might make good prime ministers. Or not. What would happen if the following stars ran for office?

Justin Bieber

Campaign Slogan:
I can't vote for me, but you can!

Canada under Bieber: Every single one of Bieber’s Facebook fans votes for him, almost surpassing the total number of voters in Canada’s last federal election. Public outcry after $1 billion set aside for security at Bieber’s 17th b-day party. Police detain 900 screaming fangirls with “I Heart Justin” banners in ensuing madness. Parliament prorogued every time the Biebs has a bad hair day.

Problems: Fans confused by those “ballot” thingies used for voting. Where's the “send” button? Also: Bieber doesn't even know he's Canadian.

Chad Kroeger

Campaign Slogan: %$#$@% Vote for Chad

Canada under Kroeger: Cabinet replaced with remaining members of Nickelback and revolving door of groupies. Newly renovated 22 Sussex Drive featured on episode of Cribs; Kroeger shows off bedroom he can play baseball in and king-size tub big enough for 10 plus him. Parliament prorogued every time the PM has a hangover.

Problems: Nickelback’s entire fan base shows up to vote, but apparently one vote doesn't make a difference. Nice try though, Jon Gosselin. The onion ring that has more fans than Stephen Harper takes over country, with the pickle that has more fans than Nickelback forming the official Opposition.

Celine Dion

Campaign Slogan: Because You Love Me

Canada under Celine: Cabinet replaced with back-up dancers from Cirque du Soleil. Canada credited for fixing the Gulf oil spill crisis after Celine donates son Rene-Charles' hair to soak up the oil. PM regularly breaks into song during speeches: “Wit da signing of dis bill, it is a new day for dis wonderful country.” (Leg lunge) “A new day haaaaaaas … cooooooome …” Country’s economic woes cured by the magic of Celine’s voice. Parliament prorogued every time Celine gets in vitro.

Problems: Massive flooding devastates much of the country as a particularly rousing musical Question Period moves the entire electorate to tears.

Avril Lavigne

Campaign Slogan: Like, Totally Vote for Avril

Canada under Avril: Avril takes easily to making political speeches; already used to spewing meaningless, redundant drivel. However, another political party tries to sue her for stealing their lame speech. Maple Leaf redesigned to incorporate stars, stripes, a giant anarchy symbol, and an unnecessary zipper. Parliament prorogued whenever it’s “a certain time of month.”

Problems: Problems, what problems? There's nothing a little auto-tune can't fix.

Shania Twain

Campaign Slogan: Man, I Feel Like an Old White Guy

Canada under Shania: Cabinet replaced by male models with guitars. Opposition pressures Shania to release documents revealing just whose bed her boots have been under. Parliament prorogued because it don’t impress her much.

Problems: The longtime resident of a chateau in Switzerland, Shania is criticized for spending almost as much time outside of Canada as Ignatieff.