Introducing the “New Hire and Census” Form

The Harper government has found a way to revise the census and remake Canada's public service at the same time.

Many Canadians are concerned that the Harper government is undermining information gathering by Statistics Canada and further reducing the number of minorities in the civil service.

Fear not. In actuality, leaked documents suggest that the Harper government, in the interest of cost savings, has hit upon an economical way to gather vital information while at the same time ensuring that “discrimination” in federal hiring practices is a thing of the past. The draft document provides interview questions and "suggested" responses to help guide hiring for the public service of Canada:

Welcome applicant. Make small talk (suggested topics include how today's weather clearly disproves climate change, the failure of Obama down “South,” or the relative piano-playing abilities of recent prime ministers). Ask first question.

 1. Tell me a little about yourself?

Smile and begin to take notes. Does the applicant appear comfortable and at ease? Take a stab at ethnicity. No need to verify or validate. Best guesses or “gut reactions” are preferred. Be sure to mark NORMAL, RED, BROWN, BLACK, or FRENCHIE where appropriate on your “new hire and census” form. For all but NORMAL applicants, place an “x” in the three-strikes box at the top of the form.

 2. When did you move here from Alberta?

Be sure to note if applicants from Edmonton apologize for Strathcona or brag about how many times have they been to Stampede. How many animals have they personally executed? Have they ever partied with Jaffer? Ideally, applicants will complain about Ottawa and all the “frogs” on the other side of the river. Most NORMAL applicants should assure you that they will return to Alberta as soon as their “job” here is done. Be sure to mark the area of Alberta deserving of additional stimulus on your “new hire and census” form.

 3. Why are you considering a career with the public service?

Acceptable answers include: to reduce government waste; bide my time until my uncle can get me a plum PMO position; to be a loyal conservative foot soldier in the coming “revolution.” Unacceptable answers include: to improve government services; to promote evidence in public policy; to make Canada more fair and equitable. Don’t be afraid to judge (refer to PMO's Guide to Proper Conservative Conduct) – if you don’t like their answer, place an “x” in the three-strikes box at the top of the form.

 4. Why did you leave your last position?

Acceptable answers include: because my commie pinko ex-boss hit on me; because they criticized our great prime minister; because they tried to collect my personal “information” for my CCRA tax form. Remember any history of dissent or actions inconsistent with the PMO's Guide to Proper Conservative Conduct should be noted. Again, trust your gut – will they be able to blindly follow orders? If you have any doubt, place an “x” in the three-strikes box at the top of the form.

For the remaining applicants, open the discussion up a bit. What fundamentalist sect do they belong to? How many loaded firearms do they keep on their person? Who is their favourite American Gladiator? Why do THEY think Stephen Harper is the best Canadian prime minister ever? Be sure to note this information in the appropriate spaces on your “new hire and census” form.

NOTE FROM PMO – Rumours of a new culture of learning in the federal government have been greatly exaggerated. If you have any ideas about how to improve this form, please keep them to yourself. We will inform you of your future opinion regarding the “new hire and census” form in due course.