I Would Not Like to Thank the Academy

I don't like Oscar speeches ... I really don't like them!

It doesn't matter who the nominees are. It doesn't even matter who wins. The Oscar telecast is still going to suck.

How can I be so sure? Because there are still plenty of people left to thank. As long as the lucky Hollywood few feel they should use their brief moment in the spotlight on Feb. 27 to dole out thanks, viewers like you and me are going to suffer.

What I'm talking about is the boring acceptance speeches. You know the ones: they follow the structure of "I'd like to thank .. and I'd like to thank ... and I'd like to thank ..." Seemingly every winner uses this verbal crutch. The results are deadly dull. No one wants to see a big-name star like Colin Firth, nominated this year for his performance in The King's Speech, thank his agent, the director, the screenwriter, the academy, his mother ... the list goes on and on. Yet given the chance, that's probably what he'll do.

The strange part is, no one's forcing the winners to be boring. Nowhere is it written that they must thank anyone while on stage. I would hope they'd have thanked the important people in their life before that point – heck, past producers of the Academy Awards show have even gone so far as to tell nominees to feel free to divert from the traditional trope.

What we crave as viewers is something to keep us awake. When an actor who has spent decades courting the academy finally hits the jackpot, we want them to say something entertaining and thought-provoking. Honest, even. Sadly, it's too much to ask.

What makes matters worse is the proliferation of awards shows. There are so many of them now, every celebrity in Tinseltown has a trophy or two sitting on their mantel. Everyone is an "award-winning" performer or producer or director, so you'd think they'd do a better job at public speaking.

Creativity is possible at such events. Hugh Laurie proved it at the Golden Globes in 2006, when he did a spoof of thank-you speeches by picking people at random out of his pocket to thank:

Riffing on Sally Field, Sean Penn picked up his 1996 Independent Spirit Awards by saying, "You tolerate me. You really tolerate me."

Three years later, Jim Carrey pickup up his MTV Movie Award in character as a hippie biker:

So enough with the false modesty. Every nominee fully expects to win, so it's time for every nominee to prepare for winning. Since the cream of the filmmaking crop aren't naturals at making live speeches on television (a very different art from acting on a film set), what I'm proposing is that all the nominees be required to prepare a speech in advance. Even better, they should be forced to hire a writer to put some words down on paper for them. Preferably a professional comedy writer.

Otherwise, the Oscars are just going to go on shedding viewers. Does anyone really want to watch another four-hour show full of nothing but "I'd like to thank ..." from start to finish?

This article was originally published in the London Free Press.