Stephen Harper addresses the nation on a most pressing issue: the ineptitude of his recent political rivals, and his own strategic magnificence.
**An address from the Prime Minister**
“Minority Prime Minister”: Are there any three words that more electrify the imagination? I am one of the few men in our nation’s history privileged enough to have ever wielded such a modest level of influence. And yet, this has not left me satisfied. For while a man can be defined as someone who is honest and forthright, to be rightly considered a big man takes a deep-seated cruelty and a dedication to whaling on those weaker than yourself. To become a *big man*, one needs feeble adversaries, and in this respect I have been profoundly lucky.
Of all the political rivals I’ve mercilessly slaughtered over the years, I admit that I miss Stephane Dion the most. I always admired the man’s openness to new ideas and initiatives. I remember on the eve of the 2008 federal election when it became clear that Mr. Dion would be humbled by the onslaught of the Conservative juggernaut, I asked him if it would be appropriate for me to use his physical person as an ottoman in my office. He gave the idea his usual deep contemplation. It didn’t work out of course, but his willingness to consider new ideas really impressed me.
Let’s not forget Elizabeth May, the little engine that couldn’t figure out what was good for her. I always admired her determination to be included in the 2008 leaders’ debate, even if she ended up limping like a lame horse into the glue factory of public opinion. I take immense pleasure from the fact that [while Ms. May once compared me to Neville Chamberlain]( http://www.canada.com/ottawacitizen/news/story.html?id=098b787f-cc1e-4f52-a27c-0cb0b0856faa), it was she who found herself on the receiving end of a political blitzkrieg. People think I’m humourless, but that’s untrue. I appreciate irony.
What can I say about Mr. Jack Layton? He is the yin to my yang, the salt to my pepper, the rabid fifth column red subversive to my bland emotionless pro-business technocrat. I’m proud of the orgy of government-regulated Capitalism that I’ve been able to get rolling since I was elected, and I wouldn’t be fulfilling the solemn duty of my office if I wasn’t constantly reminding Canadians that they’re just one moustache ride from a [Laytonian socialist hellscape]( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5UDpj4ptEo&feature=channel). I suppose what I’m saying is that Jack Layton is the sort of man that you just want to punch and never, ever stop punching.
Ignatieff: Political messiah or modern-day Benedict Arnold. You decide. Better yet, let me decide! If he’s Canadian, then Madonna is British. Still, I admire his political guts: I push forward a partisan budget and he goes so far as to suggest the possibility that he might consider challenging it. Whoa! Slow down there, Harvard! [And what about when he promised he would “mess with” me till he was done](http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20090524/ignatieff_ad_090524/20090524/)? I was hoping for a no holds barred death match like the one seen in the 1994 movie [*Death Match*]( http://www.imdb.com/media/rm3480526592/tt0109576). Instead, all Canada got was a bi-partisan commission on EI. I get the distinct impression from Mr. Ignatieff that his concept of “messing” with someone is the same as a high school junior on a first date: awkward, short, and ultimately unfulfilling.
There’s much I could say about Bloc Quebecois chief Gilles Duceppe, but I was watching an episode of Intervention on A&E last night and I totally feel that by crediting him as an actual adversary I would just be “enabling” his downward spiral. And that would be wrong.
While some might view my abasements as cruel, I’d like to think that my conduct serves as a lesson for all Canadians – from the dedicated public servant with a violent ideological agenda, to the simple middle-school bully who boosts his self-esteem by sending threatening text-messages to members of the drama club. As we survey the “Who’s Who” of political carcasses left smouldering in my wake, I say to you, my fellow Canadians, that no thanks is necessary. Your awed silence is enough. After all it was you, the extremely silent majority, that got me elected in 2006. And then swept me on a tide of ennui to an even *stronger* minority 2008! Yes, I owe you all a debt of gratitude; so much so that I leave you with this solemn promise: cross me, and I will quite literally crush you while you sleep.