What Politicians Like

The first in a series of investigations into the predilections of Canada's politicians (besides screwing over regular Joes like you and me).

Jack Layton: Radical Revolutions

Russia, 1917. China, 1949. Cuba, 1959. NDP, 2009. Jack Layton understands what other Canadian radicals do not: Voting against the Conservatives is conservative; voting with them is radical. Just as Chairman Mao once called for “Constant Revolution,” the NDP’s dear leader has signalled an era of “Permanent Hypocrisy.” Vive la revolucion, Mr. Layton.

Daryl Dexter’s Nova Scotia NDP: Actual victories

Unlike the federal NDP, which has made losing a vocation, Nova Scotia’s newly-minted NDP Premier prefers the psychedelic rush that only a victory at the polls can bring. Never mind that many on the left have complained that the Atlantic province’s first NDP government "grooved" to power on a centrist platform, essentially whoring itself out to middle-Canadian sensibilities like an episode of Corner Gas. The NDP at large may not approve of everything Mr. Dexter does, but he would almost certainly point out: “I am the Premier of something. You are not.” Also Likes: Corner Gas.

Lisa Raitt: Sexy things

There are few things sexier than velvet or silk. One of those things is the life-threatening disease cancer, according to Natural Resources Minister Lisa Raitt. This MP stayed largely under the radar until a recording surfaced of her running down a Cosmo-inspired list of “sexy things.” Sure enough, right there beside “confidence” and “a killer smile” was “the political hay that can be made out of an impending crisis for cancer patients eventuating from a shortage of medical isotopes in Canada.” Yes indeed, be it Barry White, black cocktail dresses, or making terminal diseases a political weapon, there can be no doubt that Ms. Raitt likes her things. And she likes them sexy. Also likes: Tearful apologies.

Ruby Dhalla: Ruby Dhalla

One thing is certain: Liberal health critic Ruby Dhalla takes the plight of immigrants in this country seriously. To the untrained eye that saw Ms. Dhalla roll up to the Liberal party convention in a limousine, her actions scream “out of touch with voters.” But to the engaged observer, Ms. Dhalla’s life is actually one big piece of thought-provoking guerrilla theatre. By showing up in a limo, Ms. Dhalla was actually attempting to experience first-hand the lifestyle of a particular unemployed segment of the foreign population: the real housewives of Orange County. Also Likes: Clean living environments.

Gary Goodyear: Not science/balls

Canadian history has its share of foresight and drive. For lack of a better word: balls. Sir John A. MacDonald had them, Diefenbaker had them, Trudeau had them. As a Minister of Science and Technology who doesn’t exactly believe in modern science, Gary Goodyear makes the aforementioned luminaries look like a bunch of 18th-century European dandies (which, for Trudeau, is not much of a stretch). Yes, the polls are in, and Gary Goodyear is a huge fan of “not science.” What’s more, he has the guts to back it up. Just when it seemed that his half-hearted endorsement of the theory of evolution might damage his “not science” credentials, Gary came stormin’ back and cut $147.9 million in science funding. Take that neuroscientists and disease researchers!

David Miller: Lose-lose situations

A love for alienating all major constituencies is the only rational explanation for how Toronto’s mayor David Miller could manage to earn the ire of unions while at the exact same time fostering a resentment amongst a municipal populace that hates unions with the fire of a thousand suns. How can Robert Mugabe run an entire nation into the ground over three decades and still retain a base of support, while all Miller has is Toronto’s dog-walker lobby? The answer is that David Miller lives by only one maxim: “Success through failure. Always.”

Jim Flaherty: Saying good things about fun stuff

The Finance Minister feels confident about the economy. The Finance Minister says China is a strong and viable economic partner for Canada. The Finance Minister says we are coming out of recession. The Finance Minister says many things, all of them as positive as your court-appointed drug rehab sponsor. His propensity for announcing good news often comes at the expense of the communication of some of those less savoury factoids regarding Canada’s economy, as, for example, with the under-reporting of the federal deficit to the tune of roughly five billion dollars. It’s often been said that finance ministers are “cheerleaders” for the economy, and no one has mastered this role better than Mr. Flaherty. In so doing, he’s also managed to reinforce all the most vicious stereotypes about cheerleaders: that they have nothing important to say and that they are groupies for the elites. That’s not cool, Mr. Flaherty.