New Guidelines Out on How to Get High

Sadly, no snack food, movie, or music recommendations, however.

The federal government might think growing marijuana is worse than raping a child, but at least we have revised guidelines on how to get high thanks to the good people at the Canadian Journal of Public Health. The journal offers recommendations on the safest ways to smoke marijuana, realizing that a lot of people in the country are going to smoke weed regardless of the draconian laws against its cultivation and distribution, because duh. Among them:

• For the sake of your lungs, use a vaporizer instead of joints, pipes, or bongs;

• If you're pregnant, or have heart problems, or a family history of psychosis, just stay away altogether;

• (Don't) smoke weed everyday;

• Give yourself at least three to four hours after smoking before operating a vehicle;

• Don't mix tobacco, or "tip", in with your weed;

• Wait until you're 16 before you start lighting up.

Other than that, though, play ball! It's almost as if the drug is nearly harmless – and maybe even less harmless than legal drugs such as tobacco and alcohol – when consumed properly. Silly scientists! Don't they know that the weed will turn you into a crime-hungry, amoral lunatic hellbent on corrupting innocent youth?