Where Have All the Real Cocktails Gone?

Enough with the drinks that taste like liquid candy. We should be drinking cocktails that actually taste like cocktails.

This is not a "real men don't drink pink cocktails" article. I am not going to extol the virtues of drinks that will strip the rust off a car. I drink anything that can pour and most of the time my hand is wrapped around a libation with a pinkish hue. I certainly never feel the need to discuss the engine in my car or what large furry beast I was able to slay with my pocket knife on the weekend to compensate for the colour of my cocktail.

No, this article is about how everything in a V-shaped glass is called a martini and how most bartenders, let alone consumers, have no idea what's in a Manhattan, much less what goes into a sidecar. How did a cocktail after work turn into liquid candy? Do you think the guys in Mad Men would ask for a skittletini?

Where have all the real cocktails gone? I blame the onslaught of brightly coloured candy-flavoured liqueurs. They allow people to grab any kind of mix from their fridge, add them together on ice, and create something that it is palatable and looks pretty. Don’t get me wrong, drinks should look as good as they taste, but why do they all have to be neon pink with an artificial taste to match?

Most of the cosmo, mojito, and pina colada premixes have the same depth of flavour as a puddle. They have been ruining our taste buds and bastardizing these amazing creations. Real martinis scare the hell out of twenty-somethings because if it doesn’t taste like juice they assume it hasn’t been made properly.

Hey, I love Jolly Ranchers. I mean, who doesn't? But there is a time and place for them, just as there is a time and place for a real drink. I have never popped some confectionary item into my yap and thought, “Wow! I wish I could drink this for hours on end while listening to music so loud that it does serious damage to my inner ear this Saturday night!”

More often than not, we need an experience that serves as a catalyst to educate ourselves on a subject. Here is my experience. When I was much younger than I am today, I had the pleasure of escorting a woman a few years my senior to her office Christmas party at a stodgy old school social club. At the bar, I ordered a gin and tonic for my date and a rye and ginger – half ginger, half soda – for me. The bartender, who was expressionless and older than water, looked at me and said something that sounded like "prez b." I repeated my order with a little more conviction and volume. The bartender looked at me and said, “Son, it’s called a Presbyterian highball, and a gentleman always knows the name of his drink.”

After that verbal dressing down, I dusted off my father’s Trader Vic's Bartender’s Guide and started to peruse the fabulous recipes contained within. Oddly enough, they didn't include four different kinds of juice, and barely any of them were served in a martini glass. It was a fluid epiphany! It is amazing how many of my female friends, upon hearing what is actually in a Manhattan, wave their hand in a hither to and fro motion, asking for something a little lighter. But then when I make it for them, they find it quite delicious.

So I say bring on the old-school cocktails that actually taste like the alcohol they are made from. Next time you are in your favourite watering hole, try ordering up a golden Cadillac. Just be sure you know what the recipe is and are in the mood to teach.