U.S. Decides Pizza Sauce Is a Vegetable

And for the first time in our lives, we can finally meet the food pyramid's cruel, cruel standards.

A joint Senate-House panel of American lawmakers has caved in to the frozen food lobby by voting to uphold school lunch regulations that stipulate that tomato sauce in pizza counts as a vegetable serving. In one of the greatest news releases ever issued, and one that promises to make Idiocracy come true, the American Frozen Food Institute said it "recognizes the significant amounts of potassium, fiber and vitamins A and C provided by tomato paste and ensures that students may continue to enjoy healthy meals such as pizza and pasta." The committee was voting on a provision of a budget bill for the Department of Agriculture, which has ultimate oversight over what can and can't be included in subsidized school lunches. French fries and other starchy vegetables were also protected.