Get Through a Controversy in Five Easy Steps

The Star's Susan Delacourt explains why nothing seems to ever stick to Stephen Harper and his party.

Have you ever wondered how the Conservative government moves from controversy to controversy (Bev Oda's "not," Peter MacKay's helicopter trip, Tony Clement's gazebo spending spree, and most recently, push-polls in Liberal MP Irwin Cotler's riding) without losing any support among the general public? The Toronto Star's Susan Delacourt breaks down the government's crisis-management strategy into five easy steps that's proven – so far – to keep the opposition in fits of perpetual paroxysm and the public yawning. Essentially, it boils down to "Admit, Thank, Boast, Repent, Move On," so without further ado:

1. Acknowledge the error in as vague, general a fashion as you can:

   "I would, Mr. Speaker, indicate to you that the way in which this case has been handled, including by myself, has been unfortunate." -- Bev Oda (doctored-document controversy)

2. Thank the error finder for good work.

   "We thank the Auditor General for her recommendations. We are working on and streamlining the processes for procurement. In fact, we have, as a result of our current efforts, on average been able to reduce the time to get a contract award from 107 months to 48 months." -- Peter MacKay (cost overruns on Chinook helicopters.)

3. You know how parenting experts talk about distinguishing between bad child and bad behaviour? When you are a politico trying to get out of a jam, you don't talk about specific behaviour -- you talk instead, tangentially, about what a good person you are.

   "It's the government's policy that departments are to respond in the timeframes contained in the act or extend time in accordance with the act, subject to the right of a requester to go to the information commissioner and ultimately to the Federal Court." -- former PMO chief of staff Guy Giorno, testifying about political interference in access-to-information requests.

4. Say it of course won't happen again.

   “I don’t think there will be any more use of suggestions that a byelection might happen." John Williamson, re: Cotler calls.

5. When further questions arise, say it's old news. Time has marched on. Insinuate that the person who keeps bringing it up is holding a grudge or has an axe to grind.

   "Mr. Speaker, the same old, same old. There is nothing new here whatsoever.

   The Auditor General came forward with her report and we thank her for her work. She came forward with specific recommendations on how we could be even more transparent to Parliament, specific recommendations on improving program administration." (John Baird: G8/G20 spending.)

Delacourt figures that the Tories are currently on the fourth stage with the Irwin Cotler push-polling debacle, meaning we can expect, oh, let's say House Leader Peter Van Loan telling reporters in a week that spreading unfounded rumours around Cotler's Montreal riding is "old news" and that we need to focus on more pressing issues, like how to imprison pot growers or something.