Bar Etiquette

Just because you've had a few doesn't give you licence to act like a jerk.

As much as we would like to think the best of other people, go to any local drinking establishment where folks are enjoying a cocktail and I guarantee, if you look to your left and your right, one of those people is going to be a jackass.

I don’t know where they come from. My 416er friends like to blame the rowdy 905ers for improper bar etiquette because “they’re all hopped up for their big night in the city and they aren’t used to a place where people aren’t wearing ball caps!" But bad etiquette at the bar is certainly not restricted by area code. It is found all over the continent, and it really annoys me.

There are the gentlemen, and I use that term loosely, who think it is a sign of manliness to take up a ton of space at the bar while trying to pick up their next victim. These guys are like the rock of Gibraltar, not budging an inch while laying down their best lines in hopes of avoiding spending a night alone.

To them, I offer a word of advice: You would be better served to be cognisant of the other woman behind you looking to order a beverage. Show your chivalry by allowing those of the other gender some room to order. The woman you have your eye on will think much better of you and see you as a gentleman.

Then there are those who snap at bartenders to get their attention. Snapping is only good when you are singing with your barbershop quartets on weekends. Snapping at your bartender will only make him want to ring your bell. Yelling at your bartender is also unadvised. In a busy bar, your mouth will likely be by someone’s ear, and no one else cares how many Jäger bombs you want or what vodka you drink. The next time some wannabe Gordon Gecko thinks he is hip for calling out "goose" loud enough to be heard in the bar across the street when he is standing inches away from you, ask him if he knows of a good audiologist and for his biz card so you know where to send the bill.

Tipping! This is not a city in China! If you can afford a $16 martini, you can afford to leave a couple of bucks or more as a tip. Bartenders work incredibly hard and they put up with a ton of irritating verbal diarrhoea. Let them know you appreciate their service and they will in turn remember you.

Also if someone moves out of the way and stops their conversation for 10 minutes so that you can order and collect all your drinks for your parched friends, it never hurts to order one more for them. You are in a social setting; be sociable.

Cellphone users. If you are at a restaurant and talking loudly next to my table, don’t be surprised when your BlackBerry winds up swimming in my ice bucket. Social mores have been disregarded far too widely. I don’t want to hear about your IPO or how long the reno is taking on the fabulous boat you purchased from Francois in Nice when I’m paying 30 bucks for my seared fois gras. Why does everyone seem to think that everyone else wants to overhear the personal details of their lives?

If you need to speak to someone so badly, answer your phone when it vibrates (not rings ... vibrates, in your pocket ... that’s pocket, not table), answer quietly, excuse yourself, and don’t start talking on that infernal contraption until you are outside of the restaurant or in the hallway to the bathroom. No one wants to hear your conversation trailing through the tables like dinner theatre.

Here’s to less irritating drinking in the future!